[Image: Pool Cleaners From Distant Planets]

The Hot Poker System

With much thanks to Rick Scaia, we are going to adapt the Hot Poker Up the Ass rating system to suit our needs. The concept is fairly simple: there are some forms of pain more endurable than others. There are times in which the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets would have preferred the pain of a red hot poker being inserted into our rears, perhaps several times, to that of hearing a particular band, watching a particular movie/TV show or reading a particular book.

To that end, we want to quantify the pain. At the end of our entertainment reviews, the reviewer will indicate the number of times they would be willing to have a red hot poker rammed up his or her ass under the stipulation that the reviewer be allowed to forget what he or she just saw, heard, felt, tasted, smelled or sensed using ESP. The bigger the number, the worse it was. Thus, a "0" is the best anyone could hope for, and it might be used for the highlight of an otherwise horrible act. There is no set maximum.

Subterranean Music Venue Blues

by Myk-El

In a fairly logical move, the Soiled Dove pulled out of their old location at 20th and Market in downtown Denver and moved to the redeveloped Lowry area. It made sense as the market on Market Street was changing and also becoming alarmingly dangerous at times. It also provided an opportunity to create a first-rate music venue.

The new Soiled Dove Underground is well set up for music. It starts with free parking. While it was a fairly crowded lot when I made my first visit (on October 7, 2006), I certainly was able to park closer than I ever was able to at the old location. It's not hard to get to (just east of Quebec on 1st), and it is quite lovely inside.

The stage is the focal point of the room. It's much larger, has an actual curtain and bands don't need to load out through the crowd. The seating is tiered so there is minimal obstruction from in front. The lines of sight are great. The stage lights are LED-based, which provides for cool effects, and they also don't put out heat like regular lights. The sound quality is first-rate. The chairs are more comfortable than in most venues. There's a lot to like. This should be a premiere live music venue...a showcase spot for live music in Denver. (I'm sure you sense the "but" coming...but you'd be wrong)

HOWEVER...

There are some unfortunate traditions from the old Soiled Dove that have carried over. The old Soiled Dove was one of the venues I visited most frequently due to proximity to my home. I saw shows at the old location for approximately 5 years before they moved, and I cannot once remember good service. Sadly, my experience at the SD Underground was the same. I didn't see my server often enough during the evening and there was even one point where she forgot a round of drinks for my group of three. About par for the course, being as the rule with the old Soiled Dove was that if you didn't order something when you first arrived, you might not get asked again the rest of the night. For the prices we were charged, I would expect better. (For example, I was told water was only available in bottles at a cost of $2 each for 20 ounces -- and this was in addition to an actual drink order.)

We also have the continuing tradition of keeping the room lights too low during performance, making a trip to the restroom a scary proposition -- doubly so if you need to use the poorly illuminated stairs. I know it's supposed to be an intimate concert setting, but when the performers are complaining that they can't see the crowd, we have a problem. The visually impaired will have trouble in this place. But then, based on all the stairs to get down to the place and then to get to seating, I'm not sure they were overly concerned about compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Someone also had the brilliant idea of putting the band merchandise sales right next to the access to the bathrooms. Trips to the can and trips to go purchase merchandise tend to happen in greater numbers between bands/sets. It's just a traffic jam waiting to happen. Not quite as severe as the bar being between half the customers and the restroom like the old location, but it could and should have been better.

Lastly, I'd like to address the location of the bar itself. Upon entering the venue, I noticed the bar is somewhat out of the way. I initially thought this could be an improvement, what with the bar traffic always interfering with foot traffic at the old location. Unfortunately, all this did is move the issue. The bar traffic is forced into a smaller location to conduct business, as it's essentially in a lobby. Patrons must leave the room to get a drink, and thick bar traffic greatly interferes with anyone trying to actually leave.

Again, the Soiled Dove Underground should be a top-tier music venue for Denver. It's obvious they put a lot of money into this location and a lot of effort into making it sound and look good. Unfortunately, with the poor service, high prices, and customer-hostile layout and lighting, I just don't think it is what it could and should be. What should have been excellent is merely above average and it's a shame.

Hot Poker Rating: 1

Not For Anyone

By Jeph

Recently, The Toad Tavern started a new contest, the Get A Leg Up Battle of the Bands. It'll be running for eight weeks, and it's intended to help new bands get jump-started. I find nothing wrong with this concept; many good bands needlessly fail because they have trouble breaking into a crowded, sometimes misunderstood market.

A few, on the other hand, shoot themselves in the foot on the way out of the starting blocks. An example of this is U4Ian.

Don't get me wrong -- bar bands and cover bands can be excellent ways to fill a venue with something akin to canned music. But, given that originality was one of the judging categories, opening with not one, but *two* covers, was strike number one for them.

The second strike was that the covers they did were horribly mangled, while still managing to be excessively slavish to the original arrangement. I'm not saying that following the original arrangement is a bad thing; Soul School manages just fine. But even within the arrangement, there is room to 'doodle in the margins' a little, to put something of yourself into it.

The third strike: 'Mustang Sally' is not a good song for any band to cover. I can't think of a single band that I've seen and liked that would manage to pull this one off. And the song got milked, on top of it -- I've never seen a cow bleed like that before.

In addition, the singer couldn't hold a tune well enough, and on at least one occasion, was trying things that he just did not have the vocal range to accomplish.

The only bright spot in this whole mess was Ian. All of thirteen years old, he's the lead guitarist. While I found he spent too much time noodling, his skill at the guitar is phenomenal. A little restraint may be called for, and a little work on the idea of performance over studio, but I think he has potential. My recommendation is to lose the band and have Ian up there by himself, maybe sitting on a stool. The band's holding you back, son. Or, find a great band that's willing to take you under their wing and make you that incredible guitar player that makes Dan Garcia or Randy Chavez go 'Daaaaammmnnn."

Hot Poker Rating: 26.

Most of that was earned in the 'Mustang Sally' cover.

Concluding Rant: The boy may live, but the rest of you need to go home. You may know the classics, but you sure as hell don't respect them.

Music from the Acme Catalog

by Myk-El

Kevin Micke of Wrong Name Entertainment invited us down for an evening of music at the Bluebird Theater back on April 21. It was a show his company put together featuring three bands. Part of getting us in would be to review the bands. Seemed fair to us, so we agreed.

The first band that evening was Boulder's Mr. Coyote. They feature Charley Hine (guitar and vocals), Jonathan Schmidt (drums), Phil Woods (Bass) and Tyler Despres (guitar and vocals). My first impression was of a band that was trying to mix British Invasion era rock with Grunge. More specifically, Pearl Jam meets the Beatles -- two tastes that go weird together. But it's a bit deeper than that. The band states that their influences include Radiohead, Nirvana, Self, and King's X (the last being a vastly underrated group). These are fine goals to aspire to, but there needs to be great care taken when mixing it together and that's where the band fails.

While each member of Mr. Coyote is at the very least a competent musician, the mix of the styles leaves you wondering if they even know where they want to go musically. Most of the songs had Charley Hine singing lead. I was advised that he had been ill and it was affecting his voice, so I'll cut some slack there. But the genre switching and mixing left me wondering if Mr. Coyote was just chasing around the roadrunner and never really accomplishing anything. One song seemed to be something where you took a Pink Floyd style guitar and put it over Metallica-esque music. It just seemed a random pairing of styles.

They weren't really managing to hook me. Despite the obvious technical ability of the band, there wasn't a lot to hear or see, and no real stage presence to speak of. They didn't show a lot of personality or joy during their set. We might just be better off seeing if we can still collect the $7.50 bounty for coyote ears.

Hot Poker Rating: 3

Brain Dead

By Jeph

Synaptic Collapse was the third band performing at the Bluebird on the evening of the 21st. After having a decent time with Plan B, I was honestly hoping for even better from the final act. Boy, was I disappointed.

They jumped right into what they were doing, which is always good to see with any band. Their sound was heavily influenced by Anthrax (at least according to Myk), more metal than grunge in the sound. That was about the only good we saw there.

First of all, the transitions in songs was rough. Extremely rough. After a few of those, I got the impression that they didn't rehearse together very often --never a good sign. Their singer was the worst offender, and was forcing the rest of the band to scurry to get into position after each change of pace.

Secondly, their song mix was... eclectic. I had nothing against the stylistic variation, except that they tended to jump between extremes with it. Playlists need to be much more gentle than they were being. I'll be honest, I was getting seasick, and that shouldn't happen this far inland.

Some of the time, the singer was trying to reach heights his voice couldn't manage without a quick sledgehammer to the privates. The result was always at least half an octave below the intended mark, like he was settling for it. He also had no stage presence to speak of. I'm not saying he has to be the front man; Cheap Trick is probably the most famous for their front man not being the lead singer, but still, singers need more than a bit of stage presence so that they can capture the crowd's attention.

Hot Pokers: 2

Summary Rant: DUDE! I've seen better showmanship at a high school talent show! Get some, or have someone show you how it's done! It's an embarrasment to see someone try that hard, and fall so fucking short!

Something Excavated

(That Should Probably Be Put Back)

by Rhaab

If you've ever taken a really good cave tour, or even just a so-so one, you know that the vague phrase "something underground" can describe the incomparable beauty of stalactites, stalagmites, crystals, flowstone, and so much more. If you've ever been in a parking garage below street level or an unfinished basement, you know that "something underground" can refer to gray dullness that performs a function with almost no appeal at all. I've been assured by reliable sources that the band Something Underground can put on a show akin to the former, but I experienced the latter.

I was at the Something Underground show at The Foundry in Boulder on Friday, March 4. I had never been in this particular music venue before, and I found it to be one I'll want to return to soon. The service seemed attentive, the lines of sight to the stage were plentiful, and the sound quality was good despite having a large number of pool tables in the place with no real barriers in between them and the stage. I just wish the music had been more exciting that night. I might have been better off playing pool, and I'm horrible at it. I should probably mention that I was there for a social evening out, so if my descriptions seem vague at any point, it's because I wasn't taking notes. It was my disappointment with the entertainment that led me to write this from memory.

To begin with, I should point out that everyone in the band is competent, perhaps even skilled, with their instruments, they just seem to be using those skills to no useful end. Also, just as Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson of the B-52's always seem a little flat, subterranean vocalists Seth and Josh always seemed to be a tiny bit sharp to me. Then again, I don't have the most sophisticated ears in the universe, so I could be wrong on that. And, of course, any review is subjective, so take this with as much salt as you like. You should know, however, that I was there with an admitted fan of Something Underground, and even she found their first set that evening to be disappointing.

The first set would probably have been better labeled as "something out of a time warp", as it had a persistently stuck-in-the-1970s feel to it. I don't mean arena rock, folk rock, or even disco. I mean the sort of generic '70s style that appears in so many drama scores and soundtracks of the time: mediocre cop shows, listless action movies, and even a few of the less musically interesting Blaxploitation films. It went on for a full 45 minutes of undistinguished audio retro-sludge. If I had known, however, how easy the first set was compared to what was coming, I might have lobbied for us to leave earlier. Sure, the boredom factor alone is enough to prevent me from taking any chthonic musical journeys again any time soon, but it got worse. They decided they were going to be clever.

Allow me to explain. Somewhere early in the second set, they did probably the most lifeless, soulless renditions of "Superfreak" I've ever heard. (How lifeless? Rick James could do a better job right now, and he died in August.) It was only after several repetitions of the phrase "she's all right" that I was able to identify the song. Then, suddenly, they began tossing the words "can't touch this" like rotten eggs into the audience. That's right! They started with "Superfreak", then transitioned into MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This", which relied heavily on samples from "Superfreak"! Wow! They must have been up all night coming up with that one! I just hope that no one was overly taxed by the musical arrangement necessary to make the songs flow together so smoothly.

Later on, a particularly uninspired cover of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" turned into a flat take on "Come With Me" by Sean Combs (a/k/a P Puff Diddy Daddy Waddum Choo, as our faithful readers all know). At least, I assume that's what it was; someone was trying to rap and failing, that's all I know for sure. It had none of the edge or impact of the lyrical delivery in the song that I know, the song that provided one of a few reasons to pick up the soundtrack to Godzilla even if you weren't all that wild about the movie. For anyone who doesn't know the works in question, "Come With Me" uses the melody of "Kashmir".

So not once, but twice, they combined a song with a rap that sampled from that song. This is what passes for musical creativity? Is it really a challenge to go from Point A to Point B when the geography is the same but the streets have different names? It's a wonder no one got lost.

There were other offenses, I'm sure. For instance, I know there was at least one other cover tune that made me cringe, even if I can't remember what it was right now. (Important note: you don't have to do all original material to impress me. I like a good cover now and then. These weren't good covers.) And again, there's the blandness of it all. So if you find yourself completely unable to avoid a Something Underground show, try to surround yourself with entertaining company like I did. Failing that, bring a book. In either situation, make sure you have a weapon handy.

Why? Because if they ever, ever, EVER try to combine "Under Pressure", the classic collaboration between Queen and David Bowie, with Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby", there will be bloodshed, and it will be justified.

Rating: One hot poker for tediousness, one each for the times they thought they were being clever, for a total of three.

CAPS LOCK & LOAD

By Myk-El

Occasionally in the Denver scene, you'll run into a band that's strong in one area and weak in most others. Sometimes you'll run into a band that's strong in several areas and weak in one, but it can be overlooked. This is not the case with ALL CAPITALS.

Sure, they're strong in several areas; it's just that their weakness cannot be overlooked. We have two good guitar players in Paul and Nate, a good bassist with Todd, and Tony is good on drums so that means we have one area left to be weak: the vocals ranged from horrid to excruciating.

At various points during their set on 1/28 at the Oriental Theater, both guitarists had a shot at lead vocals. Nate was worse than Paul, but neither was what I'd call good. It was downright painful to listen to Nate on the lead. However, when they'd just jam on their instruments, my attention came back. There is some seriously good instrumentation there.

So the area needing improvement is fairly obvious. I really don't think that vocal coaching is going to get the job done for these guys. It's time to seek out a true vocalist. And I'm not saying they need to find the next Freddie Mercury. I'm thinking more in terms of someone similar to a Joe Strummer (of the Clash) or Billie Joe Armstrong (of Green Day).

I think the guys in ALL CAPITALS have potential. There is talent. But they are lacking in an area that just cannot be ignored. If I hear they have gotten a new vocalist, I'll give them another shot.

Hot Pokers: 4.

Summary rant: If I can paraphrase the great Mok; they can sing or they can scream! But they still pissed me off."

Chicago Typewriter

by Jeph, Myk-El, Rhaab, and Zscaieynn

Phenomenally shitty. Please stop. But if you continue, face the audience for a change, and pull your pants up all the way.

Hot Poker Rating: 28 Hot Pokers

CONTEMPLATING REGICIDE

by Rhaab

Down with the monarchy! Rise up and throw off your chains! Have fun storming the castle! The king should not reign if his reign is unjust! Nor should the king play if the music is no good.

On October 29, I was one of the oppressed masses at Benders Tavern, looking around in vain for torches and pitchforks to use in a revolt against King Rat. Benders is normally a place that eases suffering, but its abilities in that area are of little use against a band that seems to have Motorhead and damaged stereo speakers as its two greatest influences. (And for the record, when I compare a band to Motorhead, it's not a compliment.)

I hardly know where to begin when listing the crimes of King Rat; I'm sure the French had a similar problem when it came to Louis XVI. This will do as well as anything: it's a bad sign when you can't tell the difference between unwanted speaker feedback and the music. On top of that, there's almost no exaggeration necessary when I say that every song sounded alike. Mix it with a lead singer that can't sing--and can't even yell all that well--and you have either the fastest dull music I've ever heard, or the dullest fast music I've ever heard, I'm not sure which. There's no accounting for taste, however, and one or two people seemed somehow to be getting into it, proving the words of "Instant Club Hit" by the Dead Milkmen: "You'll dance to anything."

I don't mean to give the impression that the band was across-the-board horrible, because that isn't the case. The drummer is obviously good, and damn fast, and this isn't the first time I've seen a capable drummer held back by a band. Also, after King Rat's set came the Railbenders doing their awesome Ramones tribute, and King Rat's lead guitarist, Mike, joined the "Railmones" for the performance. This allowed vocalist/guitarist Jim Dalton of the Railbenders to stay true to the memory of Joey Ramone, who sang but didn't play an instrument. Mike held his own, so he's clearly able to do much more than what he's offered in King Rat. Come to think of it, he ably handled the guitar riff from the Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" when it was borrowed for a King Rat tune. (Should I even bother to point out that this was the best song of their set?)

So where does the blame fall? I'm not even sure we can pin it on whichever member of the band writes the songs. As one innocent bystander put it to me, "It's not the songs themselves. I'm imagining the songs sung by a good band." I'm inclined to agree, which takes us back to the lead singer. More so if he's the one who arranges the music. Thinking back to my first unfortunate encounter with King Rat at the People's Fair, I remember two cover songs they did that I'm glad I didn't have to hear again at Benders, and that I'll never hear again if there's any justice in the universe: "I Melt with You" by Modern English, and "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers. If I hadn't heard it myself, I wouldn't have believed it: their versions of these two very different songs sounded exactly alike. In other words, they sounded like every other song King Rat performed, leading me to comment that they sounded like a bad parody of a bad band.

Somewhere in that flurry of sameness was a song where the band's name was yelled several times as part of the lyrics. It's one thing if your band's name has a meaning that can work itself naturally into some sort of lyrical context, like Big Country, Talk Talk, or even The Bad Directions. But unless you were singing the story of some rodent monarch and I just missed it, don't do that. It sounds arrogant and unimaginative.

Speaking of arrogant and unimaginative, one of the songs near the end had a chorus that went something like this: "Do not suck! Do not suck! F--- you! You f---in' suck!" I don't know if this is normally part of the set list, or if it was prompted by the lead singer's opinion that the crowd was dead, but either way, they're in no position to be pointing fingers. (By the way, if you're in the band and reading this, did you notice how the crowd perked up when the Railbenders started? There was nothing wrong with the audience.) This was the capper to an evening spent dropping F-bombs left and right.

Before anyone gets the wrong idea, a George Carlin fan like me has no objection to the word in general. (Why did I choose to censor it, then? Because overuse reduces impact, that's why.) No, my problem was with the lack of creativity. This is the most appropriate word you can summon up? This is what really says what you have to say in your songs and your between-song interaction with the audience? That's the best your vocabulary has to offer? Sad.

Sometimes when I see a bad band, I have to hope that they're new and figuring it out and will get better in time. In this case, I took a quick glance at King Rat's website and quickly killed all hope in that direction--it seems they've been together for nine years. It boggles the mind; I can only speculate as to what they must have sounded like in the beginning. Hasn't anyone been offering them any advice?

Maybe they have, and King Rat just hasn't been listening. It's not as if I expect them to listen to me, after all, but I'll give it a shot anyway. Go back and listen to the Sex Pistols some more, as well as the Ramones, and (of course) the Clash. Keep writing songs, but then give the results to someone you trust outside the band to arrange the music for you. Encourage the lead singer to take some vocal lessons, and it probably wouldn't hurt if the back-up vocalists joined him. Stay away from the cover tunes. Try to keep the band's name out of the lyrics. Work on your dirty vocabulary; good examples can be found in the work of George Carlin, and in the movie South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

And if all else fails, give some serious thought to abdicating the throne.

Hot Poker Rating: 13

JUST ANOTHER HAIR BAND

by Sh'wn

On September 11, 2004, Jaded Poet played the Gothic Theatre as the opening act for Blue Oyster Cult (also reviewed here). As the band took the stage, I felt a little out of place. All members of this group look like they grew up listening to the British invasion...LIVE! These guys are old enough to be fathers of upper teens to early twenty-year-olds (and I wouldn't be surprised if any of them are grandfathers).

Anyway, Jaded Poet has a number of things going for them. First is their enthusiasm. These guys obviously enjoy what they're doing and it feeds into the audience. When the band enjoys itself, then the audience will enjoy itself. Next, I think there is a place for the band in their chosen genre. Also, they know what they're doing, and they are passionate about it. Finally, a point that can be both good and bad: the Jaded Poets are your typical "hair band". Their music was all loud, unintelligible, angry, and sounded exactly the same (except that the "love song" was slower).

I have a few observations and recommendations. First, the entire band dresses like they wanted to join the KISS Army but were turned down for medical reasons (rated 4F). In other words, man-boobs and potbellies. Guys, work out, tone-up, get in shape and don't wear the cliché "hair band" uniform. Oh yeah, get a haircut. You should NOT have prettier hair than most of the female audience. Next, what do you have to be angry about? Is it "You kids get off of my lawn"? I'm sorry, I just don't follow. Also, your music sounds like heavy metal on Prozac. Where's the originality? Finally, you don't move with the smoothness or flow that is expected of a band whose members look like they could've been together for years, or decades (or centuries). My advice to you is to check out some of the local groups like the Railbenders, the Indulgers or Opie Gone Bad. All three bands play different genres of music, and each band is composed of three to five members that work well, complimenting each other stylistically as well as subtly flowing together.

Concluding rant: Your human language is too primitive to express the emotion we aliens feel about this band. Well, actually, you do have one good phrase: "bored out of our skulls". One Pool Cleaner happened to describe their playing as leaving him feeling jaded. This band left me with the same reminiscent dread as seeing a preview for the ABC Family made-for-TV movie "Pop Rocks".

Rating:

Jaded Poet has earned 2 hot pokers because you can go to any store in the world that sells music and pick up a CD that sounds EXACTLY like Jaded Poet.

Mixed Feelings

by Sh'wn

The Hillbilly Hellcats made their entrance into the local music scene with their first recorded musical attempt called Rev It Up with Taz. From what I gather, this album was inspired by a drummer and not the Warner Brothers cartoon character. Let me start by saying that for an initial attempt, this album is okay. It is better than some attempts I've heard, but worse than others. I think this album illustrates (painfully at times) a problem that so many bands have on their first albums. That problem is their sound (or the need to find same). The album is split into songs I like and songs I don't. However, when the ones I don't like fill half the album, then it needs work. I'll talk about what I did and did not like and then offer what suggestions I can.

What works:

The first song ("Hillbillies on Speed") is a fast, rockin' song that should be a good model for what is to follow. This song grabs you by the shoulders and hurls you like a catapult toward the second song. It brought to mind the General Lee, the Redneck Tree and the Redneck Tree in the General Lee. "White Trash" is a slur against the lower class Caucasian population as well as the name of a catchy tune that makes clever utilization of an old piece of swing music.

"My Baby Moved" and "Hippy Dance" are two jabs at the People's Republic of Boulder. "My Baby Moved" tells the tragic tale of a girlfriend that moves to Boulder and "goes native". This includes becoming a vegetarian, living in a "psychedelic school bus" and listening to Big Head Todd albums. "Hippy Dance" (yes, that's how it is spelled on the album) would be a great opener for a live performance in Boulder. The song basically conveys that you can dance any way you want to, but if you do that "Hippy Dance" there will be drastically dire consequences.

"Crazy Little Baby" is a great song that could fill slots in the country, rockabilly, blues and Celtic genres about that particular female known as a "Psycho Hose-Beast". This particular song happens to be told about a woman whom the singer is crazy about. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) she doesn't really seem to like him and has a tendency to fly off the handle and get violent at the drop of a hat (kind of like a certain female Muppet).

"Drinkin' Buddies" is a light-hearted alcoholic romp that makes me think "This is what George Thorogood would sound like if he did a rockabilly version of "I Drink Alone".

What Didn't Work:

"I Like Whiskey". Drinking songs generally are not a problem with me unless there's something to offend me. This song apparently condones drug use/abuse as illustrated by the chorus "I like whiskey, cocaine too; big fat reefers and German brew." Sing about drug use/abuse if you want to, but when you're trying to get me or anyone else into it by implying that it's fun or good or whatever and that's a flat out No.

"Harder Faster" is a jarring, harsh, grating combination of fast and slow music. If this song were a car with a standard transmission, that tranny would need to be replaced. The "smooth and slow" combined with the "hard and fast" is almost physically painful. So please, in the future please engage the clutch before shifting tempos; it will provide a more fluid transition.

I actually had to shut down the music and walk away when I heard "Slappin' My Baby Around". The tune is upbeat, but the song itself sounds like spousal abuse. Celtic (and country) music is full of songs about women who get mean and violent when they're crossed (hell, there's a good example of it elsewhere on this CD). However, this song seemed to be about spousal abuse "just because" and that ain't cool.

"Big Orange Guitar/Father Tom" opens with a guitar jam (the "Big Orange Guitar") that isn't bad but sounds an awful lot like the music for one of their other songs. "Father Tom" is a fast moving song about a priest's love affair with an altar boy. This interaction ends with a bullet in the priest's head. I'm really not sure where this "ripped from the headlines" song came from or why the idea of it was even pursued, but it definitely should not have been.

This album had me split down the middle. The good songs were really good, and the bad songs were really bad. Overall, I think the album balances out and any hot pokers would have been negated by the bonuses. So my suggestions are these:

Keep up that rockabilly sound; it works and carries you along. The comedy songs ("My Baby Moved", "Hippy Dance", "I Hate Music", etc.) need to be kept for their entertainment value and their ability to poke fun at ourselves. Lose the jarring tempo changes. They tend to grate on the nerves. No more violent and/or drug promotion songs (this includes "Slappin' My Baby Around", "I Like Whiskey" and "Father Tom")

A quick note about hidden tracks: many bands have, on occasion, decided to sneak hidden tracks onto their albums. I have no problem with this and actually enjoy it on occasion (it's an added bonus to get a little more than you paid for.) However, many bands seem to have fallen into some traps on hidden tracks, so I'm going to list what I think the Pool Cleaners consider their "Hidden Track Rules".

The hidden track must have it's own track (it is not to be tacked onto the same track as the last song). The hidden track MUST be a song (nothing about why something was or wasn't done on the album--that's what the liner notes are for).

The hidden track is to be the track after the last listed song. For example if there are 11 tracks listed on the album, then the hidden track MUST be track 12 (don't go putting 8 more tracks of blank air of varying time lengths between the last song and the hidden track). Follow these rules and you'll make things easier for everyone.

Finally, if you're wondering, there's also a second Hillbilly Hellcats album. Did they improve? Wait for my next review and find out.

Put Off by the Ritz

by Myk-El

We're On Second Thought junkies here at the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets. The last time we saw them was the disastrous New Sound Throwdown at the Blue Mule (see the rants page for details). That performance was less than an hour. It's been several months since we saw an extended show with the boys from OST, so when we saw that there was a free show, so long as we hauled ourselves down to Colorado Springs, we said, "Damn right we're going."

I almost wish we hadn't. Not because of OST. They were excellent, as usual. It's just that the venue - hmmm - how to say this - OK, it sucked. The place was the Ritz. It is an overblown, over-priced, wannabe upscale diner in downtown Colorado Springs.

The biggest complaint I have is the seating. Booths and barstools are around the room. Things are oriented so that half the people there can't see the stage and the other half generally have to lean and try and look around the people in front of them. It's either that or you end up standing in an aisle where the waitstaff frequently cross.

The Ritz's stage is better suited for a background music act. Someone that plays instrumentals or one person with a piano - but it'd have to be an upright, as a grand piano wouldn't fit. OST had to do the drum quartet ending to "Frantic" on what passes for their dance floor--an area which I doubt could really hold more than 10 people bouncing up and down elbow to elbow. There certainly wasn't room for any couple that actually wanted to dance.

Then there is the environment. Part of the reason I said it is better suited for a background music act is because the focus of the room isn't the stage. It doesn't encourage the crowd to pay attention to the band on stage. Heck the "sound booth" was a mixing board slapped on the front booth on the stage side of the room. This, of course blocked any chance anyone on that side of the room had of seeing Tage.

Last, and certainly not least, there was the matter of the house music between sets. We were suffering. I was turning violent. It was incessant bass music turned up louder than OST was. It droned on and on with no melody to be heard. It was as if every booming low-rider that drives down my street was parked in front of my house with the windows down. I can't even emphasize how much of a disconnect this was from the free-wheeling, multi-genre-crossing melodies of On Second Thought.

Clearly this is a drinking establishment with just enough food to qualify as a restaurant. Yes, the wait staff was attentive, but everything was pricey and frankly the food I did see ordered didn't look special in the least. The crowd there clearly didn't come to hear a live band. Nor did they care there was one performing. All I can say is that I'm so happy I didn't have to pay to get in.

Hot Pokers: 9

(Modification to rules for a venue review: assume I am standing at the front door to the Ritz. It would take 9 hot pokers shoved up my posterior before I would ever dream of walking through the door.)

Summary Rant:

This is a joke of a venue. If you want to hear music in Colorado Springs, go somewhere else. 32 Bleu is right across the street and it kicks the holy living shit out of the Ritz. Yes, you'll probably have to pay to get in, but it's worth it. If you just want to get drunk and hit on similarly drunk individuals, the Ritz is your kind of place.

Definitely Not Minty Fresh

By Jeph

When we went to see the Railbenders at Bender's recently, we were expecting more country music to precede them on the stage. We were wrong, very wrong. Instead, what we got was punk. And not good punk. Before I begin, let me say that the only music I won't try is rap. Other than that, I give everything a fair shot.

The Tarmints weren't something that I would consider a refreshing band. First of all, anything where the most variation in the band's playing is from the drummer is not good listening. As in, I would be surprised if they had more than two chords in each song. It was actually bad enough that the first song they played could've been recorded for thirty seconds, then looped and played back, and we wouldn't have noticed the difference. Then the drummer lost what variation he had halfway through the set, which was a slap in the face on top of the stomping on our feet.

Secondly, even if you have something to scream over, punk music does not always require screaming into the microphone. In fact, I would recommend that, if you continue as a band, you listen to and take notes during the following bands' music:

the Ramones
the Clash
the Sex Pistols
Green Day
Nirvana

Finally, a band should gauge audience reaction. If only half a dozen people are dancing (and I included people just swaying in this count) and only two of them are doing so enthusiastically, you need to retool and try, try again.

Closing Rant:

AAUUUGGGHH! This was the musical equivelant of a fluffer! Punk and country shouldn't go together; bad punk with good country is a sacrilege! We'd all rather listen to some techno-fluff bubblegum boy band than this drivel!

Hot Poker Rating: 19

Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be...

by Myk-El

It seems like just a couple of weeks ago I was writing about how jam bands get a bad rap. I also said there are good reasons for this. Mum's Cowboy is pretty much a list of those good reasons.

I received a copy of their five-song live CD/EP for review. It was recorded earlier this year at Cervantes in Denver. This is a good venue. I've seen Matthew Moon, Warren Zevon (both back when it was known as the Casino) and Nina Storey there. So, there was no reason not to try and record there, unless, of course, you aren't very good.

I'll quickly go through what Mum's Cowboy has going for them (it won't take long). Ability to play their instruments... check. A singer that doesn't sound like a tortured weasel... check. An enthusiastic crowd... check (then again, if there's one thing I've learned about the Denver music scene, any musical hack can get cheers from an alcohol fueled crowd). And that's about where it stops.

As far as what's wrong... let's start with the song writing. I'm not expecting Lennon/McCartney here, but this stuff is repetitive at a level Haddaway (who wrote "What is Love") could only aspire to. Parrots could have the lyrics down in one listening... two tops, if you happen to own a Norwegian Blue. Up next is the musicianship. Having the mechanics to play an instrument down does not mean you can improvise. These guys fell into ruts deep enough to hang up posters. There were a couple of times they hit on a riff so often, I thought the CD player was skipping. It seemed like the Golden Earring theory of musical lines: find something you like, then drive it into the ground. Then drive it further. Now a bit more... have you reached the Earth's molten core yet? Some Mum's Cowboy riffs were driven into the ground so deep they passed through to China. Making things worse was the fact they didn't seem to know when or maybe not even how to stop a song. The first three songs flowed into each other. Sometimes that's a sign of keen knowledge. In this case, it seemed to be a case of fear. The best song (not coincidentally the shortest and the only one with an obvious ending point) was just under 4 minutes long. Everything else was 5.5 minutes or longer (up to 9 minutes with one tune).

I'm not certain what can be done to improve things. Obviously, better material to work with is a must. They should look outside the band for songwriting help. It also couldn't hurt to, you know, study their craft. They should find a mentor, somebody that can refine their sound. And before embarking on writing new songs, it's imperative they find a way to both shorten and end the songs that exist or they'd best drop them from their set entirely.

The best thing I can say about this album is that the liner notes indicate only a mere 100 copies exist. One is safely in my possession. Mum's Cowboy exemplifies the reasons other jam bands want to identify themselves as something, sometimes anything, other than a jam band. Now... all I need to do is track down the other 99 copies...

Summary rant: This was bad. I mean really bad. I feel like I have to apologize to my car for subjecting it's sound system to this. I used my 3-year-old laptop for this review since I didn't want to pollute my good computer by playing the CD on it. Oh, and Deep Blue Something called. They said your music's repetitive.

Hot Pokers: 6

Mars Needs Focus

by Myk-El

It's tough to get things right the first time out. I've never gotten much out of The Prodigals' first recording, nor did On Second Thought's Wait Up excite me. Sometimes you have to go through a period of trial and error to see what sounds best. I hope that's the case for Martian Acres.

Martian Acres, at its core, is the work of the song-writing duo of Dennis Wanebo and Bob Story. Middle of the Night is the freshman effort from these extra-terrestrial real estate agents/song writers. A capable cast of musicians and singers supports the duo. The album, taken as a whole, is off-putting. It lacks flow. The songs, taken individually and out of the context of the album are very good.

It sounds strange to say you like the songs but not the album but there is a reason. We have a wide variety of styles represented. We start off the album with a tune ("It's Only Money") that begins sounding like a jazz/pop number from the early part of the 20th century; close to something from the Cole Porter catalog. Then the song progresses into something that sounds as if it came off the back end of Abbey Road. Track two ("Now or Never") jumps into the pleasant feel of 70s era country/pop crossovers, like Poco or Firefall. Track three ("Middle of the Night") comes and we're back to a Beatles sound, but this one is more like material from Magical Mystery Tour. (The Acres themselves indicate they feel one song had a White Album feel. I believe it's this one they refer to).

As we progress, we pass through Bob Dylan ("Dan's Place"), pure country ("Diamond in the Rough"), harder rock, folk and much more. We also have what may be the singularly most depressing song I've ever heard (and I listen to blues AND traditional Irish folk music) in "The Wake." The way I can best describe how the album flows is if you take a good-sized music collection on mp3, put it on random through the entire library and just go with the results. So after you get into a good groove listening to The Commodores "Brick House", you suddenly find yourself jolted out of the groove by one of "Weird Al" Yankovic's polka medleys. To put it another way, did you ever orange juice too soon after brushing your teeth or using mouthwash? It's like that.

But all is not lost with this. I went to the band's website looking for contact information (which wasn't easy to find, but we don't rate websites here) and ended up at Bob Story's website. Here we find a little more insight into things. Bob admits the album was a bit broad in scope and that future efforts should be more focused. I hope so. Step one is admitting you have a problem. But I see potential here, so I don't want to discourage future efforts. I'm just going to break the album up and put the songs into more appropriate playlists in my iTunes.

Rating/Summary: 0 hot pokers. The album, collectively would rate 2 pokers, but the songwriting is -2, so it balances out. But in all good consciousness, I cannot recommend an album you have to separate to enjoy.

The Emperor has No Talent

by Myk-El

I assume this is going to be one of those occasions where someone's going to tell me that I "just don't understand" or "don't get it" once they're done reading this. Perhaps the latter is true. I don't get how someone can make a career out of playing the blues so poorly. What I really don't get is how he can fool so many folks in the media into believing he's some sort of genius.

So who am I talking about? I'm talking about Washington Post and NY Times darling Otis Taylor and the Otis Taylor Band. I really try to be supportive of folks that spent their formative musical years in Colorado. However, crap is crap and Otis' Colorado connection isn't going to help him here. In other words, you aren't going to see me defending Kip Winger's 80's works anytime soon.

If it was just me, I probably wouldn't even bother with a review, but those around me were making comments. One woman described them as "a lost cause." Looking around the audience, I saw disdain mixed with disinterest and the occasional fan. The audience members I found most interesting were the optimists -- those few folks that looked at the stage the same way a dog looks at you when you go in the pantry where the treats are kept. There was this look of anticipation that there would be a treat, yet each time it failed to appear.

So now I expect folks want to know what was so bad about this band. For starters it's never a good sign when one band member is noticeably more talented than everyone else. In this case it was lead cellist Ben Sollee. That dude needs a better gig. Second, most of the songs didn't so much end as just stop. They'd find a riff that felt good, drive it into the ground and quit. It was like every song was just an extended intro. Anytime it built toward anything, it changed back, then stopped. I understand theme and variation, but there was barely any theme and no variation. It all sounded the same. There were basically two song types, with and without vocals. It's like being offered a choice of tap water and bottled water. You might have a preference, but neither has any real flavor.

And then there is Otis himself. He played with precious little life. Otis also plays 4 instruments; none of them well. At various times we heard banjo, mandolin (he used two solid body electrics that to my fairly trained ears sounded identical, so I don't know why the change), electric and acoustic guitar plus harmonica. I was bored the first three songs, then I started to get angry. Angry that he started a half hour late, angry that it wasn't worth the wait, angry my time was being wasted.

This was a joke of a show. I've seen a lot of veteran blues acts and this just didn't measure up. The only way I can explain the loads of good press this man has gotten is through your human fairly tale "The Emperor's New Clothes." Someone with some stroke hallucinated something deep and powerful in Otis Taylor Band's music, so rather than risk the spite of this person, people started acting like they saw it too. And you know, if you repeat a lie often enough, you begin to believe it's true. So that puts me in the role of the little boy who sees things as they are. I'm sorry to point out to all of you seeing something there that really isn't, but the emperor should be arrested for indecent exposure.

I give the Otis Taylor Band 3 hot pokers.

I Wanted to Like This Album

by Myk-El

The very first song on Potemkin Square's self-titled first album is "Yesterday." No, it is not a Beatles cover. This is an original song with the message to forget the past and move forward. I think, due to it being track one, that this is a message to the fans of the Ryan Tracy Band from Ryan Tracy that his sound with this band is going in a different direction. If that belief is correct, that would be a message aimed at me. To that end, I'm going to do my level best not to make comparisons, though it is hard not to.

The reason why is because the core of Potemkin Square--Ryan Tracy, Rich Ross and Terry Goldstein--were all part of the Ryan Tracy Band. Also, at least three of the songs on Potemkin Square were tunes I heard performed by the Ryan Tracy Band when they were with their female co-lead singer, Anitra Carr. The three songs, "Yesterday", "Wake Up" and "Say Hello", all sounded better when performed live by the Ryan Tracy Band. "Yesterday" was (and hopefully still is) a great live tune. It didn't have a female vocal part, so it should have been the one song of the three not impacted with losing Anitra. There was a certain rawness to it that was lost in recording. I know that tends to happen with studio recordings in general, but some are worse than others and this is about as life-sucking as any studio recording I've heard. We're talking Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me" live vs. studio here (no one, anywhere, plays the studio version of that song). To make matters worse, Ryan didn't really sound like Ryan on that particular track. It sounded like he was attempting an impression of a different lead singer. This is not off to a good start.

The better tracks seem to be on the front part of the album. The highlights are "All Dressed Up" and "Goodbye." As the album progresses, a certain "sameness" seems to take over. There aren't many risks here, musically, and we have little to distinguish Potemkin Square from other bands. There are no hooks for the listeners to hang their coats on.

On the positive side, Ryan Tracy still has a way with lyrics. The first time I listened to the album, I wasn't really hearing what he was saying because I was so underwhelmed with the overall sound. But when you get a chance to hear the words, you see the poet that is Ryan. I give this example from "Goodbye": "If I could open my head and erase all these pictures I keep of you / I could stop you from stealing my sleep / Then I'd be free." If you can't relate to that feeling, you are either extremely fortunate in your love life or you haven't really lived yet.

I've been struggling for over two weeks on a plausible reason it turned out the way it did. They have a lot going for them. Besides Ryan Tracy's lyrics and usually solid vocals, they also have Rich Ross, who is an outstanding bass player. He's among the top three in Denver right now and superior to far more famous bass players. Guitarist Terry Goldstein wields a fine axe and when he's on, he is also among the best in town and better than a lot who work nationally. I'm sure switching the drummer mid-album recording didn't help, but that's a heavy burden to put on the drummer alone. Also, the tracks done with Josh Keyser (who had been playing with the rest of the band for over a year) weren't any better than those with Phil Martin. So they have good musicians and good lyrics which should lead to good songs and a good album. However, what we have is an album that sounds passionless and uninspired.

A musician acquaintance who has played with Ryan Tracy in the past and whose opinion I respect, recently expressed that he felt the album was lacking in personality. This was without any prompting from me. His opinion is that the studio where it was recorded seems to have some a problem capturing the energy of music and that could be part, possibly most, of the issue. I hope he's told the folks in 'Square so it can be corrected in the future. I think they would respect his opinion.

Given that, here's what I think went wrong. First, the album indicates it was recorded over the course of approximately 8 months (February 2002 to October 2002). That's an average of just slightly more than one song per month (9 tracks total). I'm certain they weren't spending all day and night in studio, but I can't imagine they could maintain enthusiasm for the recording when it's spread over that much time. By comparison, the fantastic Prodigals album "Needs Must When the Devil Drives" was recorded starting in late March 2003 (perhaps April) and I was able to buy it in July 2003. Second, we have to place some blame on the lead producer, Gannon Kashiwa in this case. The band gets some production credit/blame, but his name is listed first and therefore he gets the brunt of the production blame. Since I know the band members are capable of playing with fire, passion and enthusiasm but didn't, I know something is wrong there. Lastly, we have the lineup change . . . I'm not just talking about the drummer. In February 2002, Anitra Carr was still with the band. At some level, she had to have factored into the early part of this album. Then the split occurred and anything they had done with her had to be abandoned and possibly re-recorded. It must have been like starting from scratch. My understanding is that it wasn't the most pleasant split and that's a bad vibe to hold over a recording session and it cannot be easily dismissed. When you factor the above in with the studio having a history of problems capturing musical energy, we may have a working explanation.

What I don't have is a theory for how to fix things. I wanted to like this album, I honestly did. I love Ryan's songs. The lyrics are on their website and you can see for yourself. However, I like reading them more than listening to them sung. That is wrong in ways I cannot describe. Ryan has been very good to his fans, including getting myself and friends into shows for free more than once back in the Ryan Tracy Band days. Rich and Terry have been nothing but accommodating as well. If it hadn't been for following Ryan and his bandmates in RTB, I probably never would have seen the Young Dubliners and thus never gotten into the entire Celtic Rock scene. So, what I say here, I say out of love. In the song "Maybe Tomorrow" Ryan asks "I ever lose track of my direction, will you bring me back from the edge?" I'll say I think it's happened. This is my attempt to bring him back from the edge. Find a hook, something that makes you really stand apart. Maybe it's time to find another female vocalist or maybe it would get better by simply using someone/someplace different when you hit the studio again. Music's kinda iffy. You can't always say what will work, but I know this doesn't. I will promise this much--I will not only jump back on the bandwagon if things get fixed, I'll drive it. Good luck to you, guys.

There is one other subject that needs to be addressed with Potemkin Square: their name. As someone who actually has studied the history of this planet, I am probably one of very few people that knew what the band name meant without having to look it up*. I think we have someone who was being overly clever. It's not particularly catchy. A very small percentage of people know what it means. Of those I've met who do know, they don't really appreciate it. It does make for a bit of ironic humor in relation to the last track of the album, but that's about all it's been good for. While I am an advocate of the "some of these are just for me" philosophy, I don't think it belongs in the band name.

* I'm not telling you if you don't know. It wouldn't hurt you to look something up every now and then, would it?

Pokers:

I give this zero Hot Pokers, if only because I feel I will not have any trouble forgetting this album on my own.

Upper Hand, Meet Middle Finger

by Sh'wn

Not long ago, the Pool Cleaners attended an Opie Gone Bad concert at Denver's Herman's Hideaway in their search for good times, good music, and attractive ogle-candy. This show happened to be a CD release party for a heretofore unheard-of band called Upper Hand. What can I say about this group? Well, first all members of the group were of Hispanic/Latino/Spanish-speaking-folks descent. Now this isn't a criticism--I like Julio and his son Enrique Iglesias' music just fine. I'm just still trying to figure out why they had a guy with bongos, conga drums and wind chimes. The music that they played was loud, and I'll give that to them (P.S., turn it down). However, the music that they played seemed to indicate how ashamed they were to be Hispanic.

I offer for evidence a cover that they did of "Play That Funky Music White Boy". Um, okay, first there wasn't a single Caucasian in the group. Second, bongos, conga drums and wind chimes have NO place in that song. Third, "Lay down the boogie, and back away and nobody gets hurt." This band gave us "white bread" when promising "flour tortilla." I say you should take pride in your heritage. If you want to play rock and roll, that's fine, but how about some Hispanic Rock? You don't see that very often. At least, I don't.

The best thing about the band was the bass player. He was very proficient and obviously knows his stuff. However, J.P. Manza (from Kindred), Rich Ross (of the former Ryan Tracy Band) and Windall Armour (of Opie Gone Bad) would eat him alive and leave him a quivering mass of bass wannabe lying in a corner.

My final note before my rating is this. I state again that this was the CD release party for Upper Hand. Now, you tell me: what does it say about you when you have a CD release party and you are the opening act?

Pokers:

4 red-hot pokers inserted slowly into my rectal cavity while sucking down a Crystal Pepsi.

Betty Dylan

By Myk-El

On the band's website, Betty Dylan compares themselves to Jethro Tull and Pink Floyd. This is because as no one in the band actually is named Betty or Dylan. Thank goodness they stop making comparisons there. I would be willing to describe Betty Dylan as incomparable, but I don't mean it in a good way.

Betty Dylan had the (admittedly unenviable) task of opening for the Young Dubliners at the Gothic Theatre on 8/23/03. Each time the Dubs come through the Gothic, it seems the theatre management somehow get increasingly inappropriate opening acts. I don't know how they can manage to do worse than last night, but I wouldn't eliminate the possibility. The sound Betty Dylan seems to go for is a country and folksy mix, but somehow they have managed to make those two genres clash. That is something I thought, up until that night, to be impossible.

Vickie, the female member, has gone with a Lisa Loeb meets Pippi Longstocking sort of look. Dr. Dan, the other member--and he certainly is a member--wants to be Billy Bob Thornton when he grows up. Dan is in love with the sound of his own voice; sadly, no one else even seems to kinda like it, save Vickie. It grates on the nerves and that's just with between-song banter. Also, if you have "Dylan" in your folksy band name, you are inviting comparisons to Bob Dylan. Now, I like Bob Dylan's songs, but I think most of us in the world can agree he doesn't have a particularly pleasing singing voice. Dr. Dan sings far worse than Bob Dylan and clearly doesn't even have 1/1000th of the song writing ability.

Vickie has the most potential, but doesn't know her own limits. She attempted to tackle the old Melanie hit "Brand New Key" and had trouble finding the range to sing it like Melanie did. A smarter singer would have either sang it in a different key or lowered it an octave.

There were several other things wrong with the performance. The main issue is not only can Dan not sing in tune, he apparently can't tell when his guitar goes out of tune. As a string player, I know that any climate change is going to have an effect on an instrument, and this altitude makes it worse. The borderline abusive way he plays his guitars certainly would contribute to tuning problems.

This also was an all ages show at the Gothic. Now this fact was lost on the Young Dubs as well, so I think most of the blame should be placed on the Gothic Theatre, but I also couldn't imagine Vickie and Dan missing the two girls in the single-digit age range doing cartwheels on the dance floor. The language used was bad. There was swearing, and frequent references to sex--especially with the song about oral sex--and they weren't well hidden. This sort of language doesn't bother me. I said worse things heckling from the balcony, but as a performer, you should be aware of your audience and environment.

Overall, I have to put Betty Dylan down as the second-worst band I've ever seen perform. I've seen bands with skill lacking in passion; they had some passion but were lacking in skill. This means this is their vision. This is what they actually want to sound like. I find this vision disturbing. I think their own recent release summed it up best; it's titled "American Trash."

Summation Rant:

OH MY GOD! Do they ever SUCK! They suck so hard they could pull a bowling ball through a garden hose! They suck so much, I'm surprised light itself could reflect back off of them. And what's with the plumber pants on the bitch? I mean, her ass had to be better than a lot I've seen, but Christ, she ought to wear some panties if she's putting jeans on like that. If I'd been on the balcony on the other side, I might have been throwing ice when she bent over for water just to see if I could hit the target. Don't go see this band. If you have to see them to get to your favorite band, boo the minute they hit the stage and don't let up. No mercy for talentless hacks like them.

Pokers:

I give Betty Dylan a hot poker coefficient of 18. That's about 2 for every song performed.

The Worst Opening Act Ever

By Rhaab

Flashbacks of traumatic events are well-known and documented throughout the galaxy. Sometimes I have nightmares of the time I saw the Hosty Duo and wake up screaming. As I understand your language, "Hosty" means "similar to the hosts of Hell".

Perhaps I should explain why I found myself having to endure this band in the first place. The Pool Cleaners are all fans of Opie Gone Bad, and we were at the Soiled Dove for an Opie show. The first act up was the Sad Star Cafe. Sure, they have a band name that sounds like it came from the poetry of a depressed eighth-grade girl, but other than that, they're fairly harmless. The less said, the better. Following them, though, came the Hosty Duo, and let's just say I have my reservations about any musical act that brings a washboard on stage.

At this point, I want to make it clear that I'm not one of those knee-jerk rock fans that automatically condemns any country music. As I once said to my fellow Pool Cleaners, "My first loyalty is to rock and roll, but I'd rather hear good country than piss-poor rock." (This was just before a performance by the Railbenders, who know what good country/western music is all about. I came away with the impression that these guys wore their cowboy hats as more than just a fashion statement.) The Hosty Duo served up a double helping of disappointment by performing piss-poor country music.

Perhaps the most baffling thing about their performance was their delusion that they were something other than they actually were. As I said, I had my doubts about the band even before they started performing, and I pointedly looked at my watch before they started. (You can interpret that as a non-verbal comment on their lengthy set-up time, as making a mental note of when they started so I knew how long it lasted, or something else entirely. Feel free to e-mail your most creative ideas.) The singer noticed this and said something like, "That's right, it's time to rock." Clearly, he didn't feel it was also the place to rock, or else he would have followed through on his statement. He also boasted that they were going to "tear the roof off" the Dove, but I doubt they could have even managed tearing the roof off of Barbie's Dream House.

Actually, that would be the second most baffling thing. Beyond that was their use of looped audio samples that didn't seem to relate to anything. Note that by "audio samples" I don't mean music; that sort of thing is a good way to re-create in a live performance something that can only be easily done in a studio. These were just samples of some redneck voice speaking repetitive gibberish. Why these were played as introductions to songs escapes me. Maybe this passes for hip in the band's home town, Oklahoma City. I'd like to think better of the rest of the folks in OKC, though.

The worst moment probably came at the end, when they did a country-fied (or was it country-fried?) interpretation of "Chewbacca" from the Clerks soundtrack. By the time their set was done, we had suffered so much that even a good Opie set couldn't bring us completely back. I'm not saying that Jake and the boys can heal the sick and raise the dead, but it's my belief that an Opie Gone Bad performance is good for you. This time around, it just wasn't enough, and we were still in pain at the end of the evening.

The Concluding Rant

AARRGGHH! The WORST opening act I've ever seen, and the worst thing to happen to Oklahoma City since Timothy McVeigh! If you're actually a fan of the Hosty Duo, the good news is that whatever you're high on is so new and so experimental that it won't be illegal for YEARS! How shitty were they? Give me a team of deaf ecologists to follow them for a year and I promise I will make the Earth's deserts green again.

Pokers:

Twenty five hot pokers, or one porcupine having seizures. Take your pick.