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THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

by Myk-El, Keeper of the List
with contributions by others

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it may be.

Having sex in Denver does not qualify you in the "Mile High Club."  No, not even if you do it in a plane on the runway at DIA.

The following are/were never as funny as everyone thinks:
Adam Sandler
Carrot Top
Will Ferrell
Chris Farley
Rob Schneider
Jimmy Fallon
Chris Kattan
Jim Carrey
Jerry Seinfeld
David Spade
Chimps, monkeys and other primates
You

No matter what song/album/band/singer/movie/book/TV show/website/brand of cereal/type of shoelace happens to be your favorite, someone, somewhere absolutely hates it and no amount of evidence you present will change that person's mind. It's best to just get over it (see item one).

The word "genius" is thrown around far too casually. Let's reserve it for those that actually deserve it, like Warren Zevon.

The following comedians have lost their "edge."
Dana Carvey
Mike Meyers
Steve Martin
Jay Leno
Bill Cosby
Eddie Murphy

The Bible never said money was the root of all evil. It said the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. There's a big difference.

Mammals that lay eggs are known as monotremes. (Submitted by Max Entropy)

Going without a jacket/coat in winter does not make you cool, it just makes you cold. (Submitted by Rhaab)

Nobody but you cares about your honor student. Also, no one cares what bizarre minority, special interest or other quirky group you're a part of, even if you do vote.

A pimp is not a man who is successful with women; a pimp is a manager of prostitutes. (Submitted by Rhaab)

When worn in the proper bill forward manner, baseball caps will help keep the sun out of your eyes. Same with sun visors.

Speaking of sun visors--when worn upside-down and backwards, it just makes me want to take a piss in them. Looks too much like a urinal trough.

Boys, no one, and I mean no one, wants to see your nasty boxers sticking out the top of your pants.

Spandex is a privilege, not a right. Unless you're pregnant, because that's the reason the stuff was originally made.

E-mail has no supernatural powers. Nothing will happen to you if you don't forward a message. (Submitted by Rhaab)

Neiman-Marcus did not charge $250 for a cookie recipe. Bill Gates/AOL/Steve Jobs/Disney is not tracking a forwarded e-mail and you will not receive $5. And there is no Walt Disney, Jr. If you don't believe me, look it up.

The Hilton sisters really aren't all that attractive.

The space saver spare in your cars' trunk is for temporary use only. (Submitted by Jeph)

PIN means Personal Identification Number. ATM means Automated Teller Machine. You sound really stupid saying "PIN number" and "ATM machine."

While we're on the subject, PIN is an acronym, but ATM isn't; it's an abbreviation. It's only an acronym if you can pronounce it like a word, dammit. (Submitted by Rhaab)

Driving your convertible with the top down and the windows up doesn't make you cool, hip or "in". It just makes you look silly. (Submitted by Sh'wn)

The following musicians' songs sound better when performed by others:
Prince
The Doors
Bob Dylan
Neil Diamond
Tom Waits
Bruce Springsteen

While it was necessary to kick-start his career, being in Nirvana held Dave Grohl back.

Water achieves its densest state at 34 degrees Fahrenheit. (Submitted by Sh'wn)

Shania Twain does NOT sing country. (Submitted by Sh'wn)

Jethro Tull is NOT a heavy metal band. (Submitted by Sh'wn)

Acceptable ways to show emphasis include putting a word or phrase in CAPITAL letters, italics, or bold; underlining the word or phrase; putting the word or phrase in a different color or font from everything else you're writing; and putting underscores _before and after_ the phrase to designate underlining. You can also use a combination of these methods, except for underlining combined with underscores, because it's redundant. If you use quotation marks to show emphasis, you are a moron. (Submitted by Rhaab)

With the exception of the its/it's rule, the apostrophe isn't a difficult thing to master. You use it for contractions and possessives. It has NOTHING to do with forming plurals (unless it's a plural possessive), and you sure as hell don't use it as decoration for the letter S, or any old time you feel like it in general. (Submitted by Rhaab)

"Gaijin" is usually (but not always) an insult.

"Otaku" is an insult, even when the person being insulted doesn't realize it.

"Yaoi" isn't about pretty boys. It involves men placing their equipment in uncomfortable places, and we're not talking about the back of a Volkswagen. "Bishonen" is about pretty boys.

Alaska has the distinction of having three navigational extremes. First, and least surprising, Alaska is the northernmost member of the United States. Second, and also not very surprising, is that Alaska is also the westernmost member of the U.S. Third, and very surprising, is that since the Aleutian Islands cross the International Date Line, that makes Alaska the easternmost member of the United States as well. (Submitted by Sh'wn)

The main problem with "net speak" is the inability to tell someone who's using it intentionally from someone who just can't spell.

Songs like "Get Up Stand Up" or "Redemption Song" tend to lose their social and political significance after becoming a favorite sing-along of drunken frat boys. We could all probably go the rest of our lives without hearing Bob Marley and all be perfectly OK with it. (Submitted by Jonathan Snyder)

Most famous models and half of the young starlets in film and TV are too damn skinny. Bone is for the dog. Meat is for the man.

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