[Image: Pool Cleaners From Distant Planets]

WHEN I'M IN CHARGE

A Non-Hu-Manifesto by Rhaab

It's time for the paranoid among you to stand up and say "I told you so." You're absolutely right; aliens are here to take over. Yeah, okay, our "mission statement" (so much as we have one) says that we, the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets, are here to have fun and get laid. Power attracts women, though, so this isn't really deviating from original intentions. In addition, there's a lot of stuff you humans need to fix.

For various reasons--most of them involving alcohol and transferring large quantities of small-denomination currency--my fellow Pool Cleaners have chosen me to be the leader of our little group. This means, of course, that I will the one running things when we take over. Think about that--doesn't it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling? It should! At this point, on the other hand, I'm sure some of you are worried about how power corrupts. Don't waste any time worrying at all; I've been corrupt for a while. Soon I'll be able to act on that corruption.

I've already started compiling a list of changes I'll make and laws I'll enact. Since I'm such a wonderful guy, I'm putting them here on our website so everyone knows what to expect. Sure, you won't know when to expect it, but my wonderfulness only goes so far. Since I plan on reading this list of decrees from some photogenic and symbolic place when we've taken over, they'll be written in the form of "from now on" statements, rather than projecting everything into the future.

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All televised news broadcasts must use Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry" as their theme music. An alternate arrangement or instrumental version will be allowed only if it is easily identifiable. Morning wake-up shows will be exempt from this requirement if they devote less than 50% of their air-time to actual news; instead, they will be required to use REM's "Shiny, Happy People".
It is no longer permissable to refer to Jennifer Lopez by the idiotic nickname of "J. Lo" unless everyone else adopts this naming convention. Thus, the current American President and his father would both be known as G. Bu (pronounced "jee-boo"), the Prime Minister of Great Britain would be T. Bl ("tee-bluh"), and the late Pope John Paul the Second would be J. Pa II ("jay-pah-too").
The syllable "bling" is no longer permitted, either singly or doubly, except when it is already part of an established word. Anyone caught violating this decree will suffer a disaBLING injury. Special dispensation will be available to writers of comic book sound effects.
Similarly, inserting the letter Z and the pseudo-word "izzle" into regular words is allowed as long as doing so continues to amuse me; when it ceases to amuse, it will be discontizzled.
Making quotation marks with your fingers is right out; if such emphasis is required, you may hold up a pair of pre-printed cards with quotation marks on them. These cards will be provided free of charge by the local government at the city/town/village level.
All past and present members of the music group America will each be given a horse and forced at knifepoint to give said horse a name.
Spammers who give accurate information and can take no for an answer will be designated as merely Irritating. Spammers who provide false address data, give no contact methods other than signing up for their product or service, circumvent filters by replacing ch@racter$ in key words, or otherwise refuse to "play nice" will be known as Criminal Spammers. All Criminal Spammers, when caught, will be sodomized by baboons.
Trying Too Hard is now recognized as a misdemeanor in all jurisdictions.
All archived media referrng to "Marilyn Manson" must be modified, in Orwellian fashion, to the person's original name of Brian Warner. Alice Cooper will continue being called Alice Cooper as long as it pleases him, because he is innocent of the crime mentioned above.
All citizens of the United States are required to lay off Canada for a while. Canadians, however, need not cut Americans any slack. Individual Canadians may still be hassled for reasons other than their nationality--Bryan Adams, for example.
Carrot Top has 72 hours to go away, never to return.
Placing pineapple on pizza is punishable by public pantsing.
Anyone with a hyphenated last name had better have a good excuse; anyone with a hyphenated first name has no excuse at all, except being French. Concerning last names, exceptions will be made for old, established names such as Jingleheimer-Schmidt, Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, Incubator-Jones, Brook-Hamster, and Smith-Smythe-Smith; anyone with a different name and lacking a good excuse will have his or her last name changed to "Pretentious" until such time as they legally file for a name change. Any non-French person with a hyphenated first name, male or female, will be known as "Percy" until requesting a legal name change. The French are allowed to keep their hyphenated first names; being French is both their reason and their punishment for having such names.
Except when established by a century or more of tradition, Anglo-Saxon (and related) surnames are now banned from use as first names. Any person who has such a name will be given 30 days to have it legally changed, as well as priority in the relevant courts. Failure to follow through in this period will result in a savage beating and changing of one's name to "Mildred". Anyone who has an occupational name as a first name (Cooper, Carter, Parker, etc.) will immediately be renamed "Employment", because it's too easy to confuse the word "job" with the Biblical figure. Additionally, the parents of anyone with an occupational last name for a first name will be executed. If the parents are already dead, their graves will be desecrated.
Finally, on the subject of names, anyone with an unconventional spelling of a common name will have their name changed to fall in line with everyone else. Parents who give unusual spellings to their children's names just to be different will be flogged and told to choose again. Parents who claim they've chosen a foreign spelling need to be able to back it up--not just with proof of the alternate spelling, but with proof that at least one of them has the appropriate heritage.
Once a sufficient level of organization has been established, Rock and Roll will be recognized as a valid religion, as will various sects such as Presleyans, Beatlemaniacs, and Claptonites. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will be moved from Cleveland to a more worthy city that actually has some connection to Rock history; Memphis is suggested but not required. Pilgrims travelling to holy cities such as Memphis, Tupelo, or Liverpool will be eligible for discounts on travel and lodging. Participation in any of these religions need not conflict with belief in any other; it is perfectly acceptable to be a Buddhist and a Buddyist at the same time.
Eric Clapton is allowed to do whatever he wants musically. This is already the case, but this decree makes it official.
Effective immediately, pop culture's love affair with mobsters is over.
Clothing manufacturers are forbidden to create camouflage patterns using colors that don't actually blend in with anything. Photographs of landscapes matching the various patterns must be kept on file for inspection.
All students learning Japanese as a second language will be required to learn the complete lyrics, in English, to at least one Cheap Trick song.
Personalized license plates must be approved by a panel of citizens randomly chosen in a manner much like jury selection. To be approved, the "message" of said plate must be understood (without hints or prompting) by a majority of the panel.
All Miss America contestants will have an off-camera interview during which they must provide a detailed verbal summary of an episode of original series "Star Trek" before advancing to the finals.
A pie in the face is now an acceptable rebuttal in all academic debate competitions. In political debates, the use of cricket bats is both allowed and encouraged.
All past and present boy band members (including the 563 members of Menudo) will be rounded up and hunted for sport. Nothing more than paintballs may be used on whichever group appeared on "The Simpsons". For all other boy bands, live ammo is allowed as long as it doesn't exceed .50 caliber.
The people of Belgium have one week to change their country's name to something less offensive to aliens. If they fail to comply, the German army will be allowed to invade again.
It is now illegal to force anyone to give up the funk. Funk will be transferred voluntarily, or not at all.
Jerry Springer is to be forcibly removed from his home. For the rest of his life, he will live with randomly selected guests from his show, staying at least one week but no more than two weeks at each home.
Sean Combs, a/k/a Puff Daddy, a/k/a P Diddy, shall henceforth be known as P Puff Diddy Daddy Waddum Choo.
Use of the word "extreme" is now banned from product names, ad campaigns, or any other sort of marketing. The idiotic variation "xtreme" is now completely banned, no matter what. Anyone who violates these rules will be dealt with using extreme prejudice. Additionally, the word "blasted" is banned from marketing as a synonym for adding some additional ingredient. It may still be used in an appropriate context, however, such as "This nuclear bomb is guaranteed to turn your target into a radiation-blasted crater! Order now!" Violators of this rule will be taken into low orbit, stripped naked, and blasted out an airlock.
All production on so-called "reality shows" will cease immediately, and all recordings or other archives of these shows will be destroyed. The only allowable reality shows will be the ones primarily identified by the terms "news" and "documentaries".
Georgia's offical State Song is now "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". Why? Because it's cool, that's why.
All deranged fanboys of the sort who think they are actual elves, dragons, Klingons, etc., will be rounded up and put into therapy. This treatment will be paid for by a tithe from the salaries of professional athletes, since it was probably athletes during their school days who got them so messed up to begin with.
Salaries of all professional athletes will be reduced to a maximum of one million US dollars per year per player, whether paid in cash, goods, services, or some other manner meant to take advantage of some loophole that I promise you does not exist in this new law. Naturally, this amount goes down to 900,000 dollars once the tithe I just mentioned is factored in. If the whiny bitches don't like it, they can quit playing children's games for a living and go get real jobs.
Anyone who wants to give Adam Sandler a sound beating is permitted to do so at any time.
All "special editions" of the game Monopoly and all knock-offs of same will be pulled from the shelves and destroyed. It's been done to death.
In an effort to promote creativity, a cash award of one million US dollars will be given to the next arcade video game design team that puts out something other than a racing game, a one-on-one fighting game, a first-person shooter, or yet another adaptation of a real-life sport. The award money will be collected from other video game companies.
A member or trusted associate of the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets must be present in all Hollywood pitch meetings for new movies and/or TV series. The PCfDP delegate will have final veto power over all ideas.
All vehicles bearing stickers of Calvin from the comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes" will be rounded up and parked in one place. Bill Watterson, who created the strip yet never authorized licensing the characters, will be given access to the vehicles, as much time as he wants, and a variety of weapons, tools, and miscellaneous means of destruction.
A license is required for any of the following types of performance: mime, scat singing, improvisational comedy, white-boy rap, and Jack Nicholson impressions. Jack Nicholson is exempt from the need for a license when he does impressions of himself.
All future movies featuring Al Pacino, Robert de Niro, Seth Green, or (again) Jack Nicholson will list these actors as playing themselves, no matter what roles they are in. For example: "Starring Al Pacino as Al Pacino."
MTV, VH1, and all other supposed "music" channels must devote at least 18 hours a day to actual music-related programming, at least one hour of which must be in the "Prime Time" evening slot. Note that reality shows featuring a lot of new music in the background do NOT count. We mean actual music videos, concert films, biographies of musicians, and the like. Life will be made extremely unpleasant for any network executives trying to "play dumb" concerning these requirements.
All Earthlings are free to celebrate any and all winter holidays they choose: Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, KaZaa, whatever. However, certain guidelines must be followed regarding decorations for these holidays. No decorations may be put up until the day after Thanksgiving (the US date, not the Canadian date). This applies even in countries that don't celebrate that holiday. Decorations may be sold prior to this date, but must be on shelves, not put up as displays. Any holiday displays requiring electricity (lights, sounds, moving parts, etc.) may continue to be powered through New Year's Day, but must be turned off for good on the second day of January. You have until the end of the first full weekend following New Year's Day to take down your decorations. Violators of any of these rules will be denied electricity during the month of January.
The combining of the first names of celebrity couples (for example, Ben + Jennifer = Bennifer) is forbidden, whether done by publicity agents, the media, or pathetic fanboys/fangirls. On first use of such cutesy crap, the violator will receive a warning in the form of a vigorous sandpaper massage on his/her privates. The second penalty is punishable by death.
From this day forward, it will be recognized that skateboarding is not a crime. However, the attitude that usually accompanies this activity is still a misdemeanor in all jurisdictions.
The following people must get back to where they once belonged: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Madonna, Marshall Mathers, Danny Bonaduce, Ashlee Simpson, Chris Kattan, Rob Schneider, Jimmy Fallon, Bob Saget, Jojo, and Loretta Martin.
All females are now forbidden to get tattoos on their lower backs. Additionally, any tattoos in that area that were added in the last three years must be explained as the result of severe intoxication, whether this excuse is true or not.
Anyone who is wearing a baseball cap more than 15 degrees to either side will be forced to wear it properly. Anyone wearing a baseball cap more than 45 degrees to either side will be fined and forced to wear it properly. Anyone wearing a baseball cap back to front (or within 30 degrees of the 180-degree mark) MUST be acting in the capacity of a welder or baseball catcher, or have a similar occupational need for reversed headgear; otherwise, the offender will be fined and have his or her cap stapled in the proper position.
Anyone wearing a sun visor improperly will be subject to the same penalties, except that nails will be used instead of staples. Anyone wearing a sun visor upside-down will be killed.
Any human found outside wearing shorts when the temperature is at or below the freezing point of water will be set on fire for his or her own good.
Television retrospectives, histories, looks back, or "best of" specials for a particular year, decade, century, etc., will not be broadcast until the time period in question is over. Sometimes noteworthy events happen in mid-to-late December that need to be included.
Ground vehicles that are not used for the specific purpose of racing are forbidden to have wings, spoilers, or other raised aerodynamic surfaces unless said surfaces can be shown to have significant effects on aerodynamic properties of the vehicle. The vehicles will be dropped from a height equal to 250 times the height of the wing (500 times for wings not included in the original vehicle design) and checked for gliding ability. Failure to glide means the wing will be removed. The test will be waived for anyone voluntarily removing these structures from their vehicles. Additionally, all automotive engineers who have added these structures to recent designs will be dropped from 1000 times their own height while holding a single wing from one of their own designs. Survivors will be pardoned. Some vehicle models (and engineers) may be exempt according to arbitary decisions made by the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets.
Paul Rodgers will stop singing the music of Queen immediately.
All "celebrity" couples who are intending to reproduce must have their choice of name(s) for the child(ren) approved prior to birth by a member or trusted associate of the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets. Any name changes associated with celebrity adoptions must be approved prior to filing of the appropriate papers.
All copyrights on the song "Happy Birthday" are revoked and may never be renewed.
Tom Cruise will finally be given a televised opportunity to display his awesome physical and mental powers. He will be given a series of tests appropriate to his abilities and will no doubt breeze through them without effort. For instance, his complete immunity to disease will be demonstrated by injecting him with a variety of bacteria and viruses.
All members of Sony-BMG management who were involved in the DRM fiasco will have all of their personal information (full names, addresses, phone numbers, etc.) freely distributed on the internet and updated as necessary.
Anyone asking the question "Working hard, or hardly working?" will be transported to the nearest desert and put to work "removing" the sand. This will continue until the offender admits that he or she is doing both at the same time and sincerely apologizes.

Anyone who deliberately starts an online flame war will be banned from the internet for a number of months equal to the number of participants in the thread in which the incident occurred. The only exceptions will be when we get sufficient amusement out of the incident, or if the targets of the flame, in our opinions, truly deserve what they're getting. In those cases, all are invited to join in.

Anyone replacing letters with numb3r5, capitalizing EvErY oThEr LeTtEr, or otherwise engaging in so-called "leetspeak" will be restrained in a heavily-frequented public place and beaten with computer keyboards by anyone who happens by and chooses to take part in the punishment. (The examples above are for demonstration and don't count.) The minimum amount of punishment will be one keyboard smack per offending character.

As far as any male can be said to have any sort of claim on any female, I and my alien brethren get first pick of all Earth women. In other words, All Your Babes Are Belong To Us.

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That's the list for right now; it can and will be changed. Edicts may be added, altered, or (not likely) removed. This can happen before, at the time, or after we take over. It wouldn't hurt to check our website every so often to see if any changes have been made. After all, it's never too soon to start falling in line with the Pool World Order.