Pool Cleaners From Distant Planets (PCfDP) Ask A Pool Cleaner

[Image: Pool Cleaners From Distant Planets]

We'll Answer Any Question We Feel Like!

Or if you have a specific question for a specific Pool Cleaner, our emails are here.

PC Guy: Goddess reminded me of another question. I see by your bios that you seem to have come to this planet individually or in pairs. Now that you're here, and among the denizens, what are your positions when on your ship? I mean, do you all consider yourselves captain, or have you broken down into other jobs on board?

Rhabb: They claim I'm in charge, but I've got none of the authority and all of the ability to take blame. On the ship, my primary contribution was picking travelling music. Oh, and keeping an eye out for cheesy hyperspace-route-side tourist attractions.

Myk-El: With Sh'wn and Rhaab involved with Earth women, the duty of being Head of the Abductee Selection Committee falls to me. This is in addition to serving as Ship's Executive Officer and Ship Social Coordinator (a title that falls within the responsibilities of the Abductee Selection Committee).

Sh'wn: Sitting down, facing front.

PC Guy: With all of the terms floating around out there for beings from othe planets (alien, A.L.F., Angel, U.F.O., E.T., etc.), how do you guys prefer to be referred to? I mean when people talk about "The Pool Cleaners From Distant Planets", how do you prefer to be referenced?

Rhaab: We're frequently referred to as just "the Pool Cleaners" when we're out and about, but if you're feeling formal, "our future lords and masters" will do just fine.

Sh'wn: I prefer "Fecking Xenophilia nut" myself.

Goddess: How come aliens on TV all have English accents?

Rhaab: "Because all you of Earth are idiots!" No, seriously, it's mostly because Earth people who make TV shows and movies are lazy, especially Americans. Here in America, an English accent denotes "kinda exotic, but still understandable". You want a villainous mastermind? Give him an English accent. You want a genius who can crack the barriers of space and time? Ditto. How about you have a romantic movie set in France in the Middle Ages? English accents are fine. (It's been done more than once.) How about a starship captain from France in the far future? Well, he probably sounds English, too. Under the right circumstances, it's even acceptable for the President of the United States to have an English accent. (See Escape from New York.) There are always exceptions, though. For instance, if you've got an immortal from ancient Egypt who spent some time in Japan and most recently has been serving in the royal court of Spain -- he sounds Scottish. Same thing with a half-Ukrainian/half-Russian submarine captain defecting from the Soviet Union with his complete command crew and vessel. In the real universe, almost everyone speaks English, but very few have accents equivalent to those of Earth's United Kingdom. These are usually the guys who are hitch-hiking, or cruising in tricked-out phone booths, or about half the guys in the ships that look like cheap plastic. (The other half speak Japanese.)

Myk-El: I 'ave no idea wot the bloody 'ell you're talking about.

Catsmom3boys: You guys claim to be aliens from other worlds. If that's true, how come we haven't seen any evidence of your spacecraft having landed or crashed? HMMM???

Rhaab: Oddly enough, the best way to answer that question is with a bunch more questions: Do you know where we landed? Do you know what date we landed? Do you know what time it was locally when we landed? Do you know what the local weather conditions were like at that time? Do you know if we came in across the sky like a plane or straight down into the gravity well? Do you know what our spaceship looks like? Do you know what part of the sky you would have needed to check? Were you even looking up at the time? Do we have a magical Star Trek transporter that enabled us to just beam down from orbit? Could we have scrambled the brains of or just killed any witnesses? Is there a great big conspiracy covering everything up? What's behind Door Number 3? The skepticism is admirable, but there are just too many reasons why the average net-surfer wouldn't know about us if we hadn't willingly outed ourselves.

Christmakwanzikanikah: Hey, it just occurred to me we have just kicked off the Earth holiday season with an American Holiday (Thanksgiving). What holidays do you aliens celebrate and how do you celebrate?

Rhaab: On Vulcan, the anniversary of the birth of Surak is celebrated with meditation, quiet contemplation, and silent readings of his philosophy. A solemn time is guaranteed for all. On the planet of Vxkz, the Xkvz people celebrate Zkvx by letting a kvzx quickly vzxk until xzvk. What fun! In the 75-million-year old Empire of Xenu, Xenu's reign is celebrated by fleecing the gullible, making outrageous claims, demanding money for unspecified purposes, and having celebrities denounce rational thought. This is celebrated every day. On the planet Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania, Icky Sibling Love Day is marked with lots of elbow sex. Turn up your Sonic Transducer and maybe you won't hear anything. On Endor, beneath the trees where nobody sees, the Ewoks hide and seek as long as they please during a yearly festival known as "Tediberz Pyk'nik". And those are just a few examples from around the universe...

Princess: Is it just Rhaab that's amazing in bed, or does that apply to all aliens? I ask because I was a virgin to aliens before he cast his spell upon me.

Sh'wn: Well, with the exception of the Drac who reproduce asexually (where's the fun in that?), the Giant Space Mold which reproduces via fire and those wimpy Grays who are just interested in galactic peace and understanding; I think that's a pretty fair assessment that the other aliens out there have at least one substantial advantage when it comes to pleasing Earth women.

Rhaab: You're being a little too general there, Sh'wn. For instance, it's widely accepted that Vulcans hump like crazed terriers, but as most Earth women want to put up the signs that say "Don't come knockin'!" and/or "Stay away, fools!" more often than once every seven years, they're generally considered to be no good at all. (Admittedly, there is known to be a certain type of older lady who cruises the bars around the Vulcan Science Academy looking for young, impressionable lads celebrating their 21st birthdays, but they're another matter entirely.) So, if I may be forgiven a little smugness for a moment: no, my lady, not every alien can rock your world like I can. Rumor has it that a bag of Reese's Pieces will get you a finger-job you'll never forget from one of E.T.'s people, though.

Myk-El: In an effort to not damage Earth women, I need a small dose of green kryptonite before rocking anyone's world. That "faster than a speeding bullet" thing ain't all it's cracked up to be, either. But a dose of the little green pill and the folks making cialis and viagra can kiss my Kryptonian ass.

Humpalumpy: Venus Wars--is this, or is this not, one of the best anime movies ever?

Myk-El: While entertaining, I found it disappointing. When I first heard of the movie, I thought it was going to be a documentary on the actual war on Venus. Now for those who do not know, the now-uninhabitable planet Venus was once host to a race of intelligent squirrels and a race of not-quite-as-intelligent but physically stronger gophers. The war was fought over the limited fertile ground on Venus in what had to include some the cutest battles ever fought. The gophers preferred vegetables while the squirrels wanted nut and fruit-bearing trees. Armed with toothpick-sized wooden swords and other agrarian weapons, the sides fought in totally adorable bark armor. The war lasted for nearly two years until the acorn accords were written. Sadly, the peace was short-lived, as an asteroid slammed into the planet, destroying all life three days after the treaty was signed.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the brave, adorable soldiers that fought on both sides.

Sh'wn: Venus Wars? Wasn't that the name of the all-female bikini-and-lingerie Jello/oil-wrestling extravaganza held on pay-per-view last year?

BadDan: Who would win a deathmatch between a jawa and an ewok?

Myk-El: I think either would be difficult for the other to put down on their home turf. To make this fair it'd have to be held at a neutral location. Let's split the difference and put it on a grassy plain.

Both races show the ability to use tools, but jawas know tech, which means they're geeks, which puts them at a disadvantage 'cause geeks aren't fighters. Ewoks, though, are lovers, not fighters. (You try and tell me they would have ever pushed back against the empire without the help of the rebels). So what it comes down to is who's got the bigger mean streak, so I'm gonna give it to the jawa.

Rhaab: I'd say the jawa. Yes, both races are tool-users, but the jawas use more advanced tools. Yes, they're techy enough to be geeks, but that actually helps them in two ways.

1. Geeks who play RPGs and wargames know an awful lot about mayhem even if they've never picked up any real weapons. This, at the very least, is a tactical advantage.

2. You think that droid-stunner won't sizzle an ewok's furry butt? Think again.

Sh'wn: I too would have to vote for the jawas. Them little buggers are mean. Also, just LOOK at the ewoks. They're fhargin' teddy bears, for cryin' out loud! Don't get me wrong, though--I'd never go out in the woods when they're having their annual company picnic.

Spacetoast: What is the fastest vessel in this quadrant?

Rhaab: Well, it's sure as hell not one of those "Nubian" ships. Sure, they look awesome--how can you not be impressed by a mirror-finish SR-71? But believe me, they're rattle-traps. Why else would a ship with a capacity of maybe a dozen people need to carry half a dozen astromech droids? Absolute garbage.

Myk-El: Umm . . . what's a "Nubian"?

Goddess: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African and European)?

Rhaab: It depends on what you measure it relative to, really. For instance, if you were to compare the velocity of any bird on Earth to the core of one of the more distant galaxies, it would be a healthy fraction of the speed of light. There have even been cases of hummingbirds spontaneously converting into tachyons, which is why you don't see so many of them any more.

Alishia Cunningham: Have you not tried Cialis yet?

Jeph: I would normally, except that the one time I tried one of your earth drugs, I was laid low for a week with an allergic reaction. So, no, and I don't want to risk it anytime soon.

Zscaieynn: I have not, nor do I foresee any future need for this product. Personally, I do not wish to take anything that would increase the length of elections.

Curtis from Starfuzz: Can cell phones really explode with no warning? If so, how does this happen?
What impact does this have on the po'ouli bird of Hawaii?

Myk-El: Yes they can and will continue to do so. Secretly, we've been placing remote explosive triggers in cell phones. We've also been replacing restaurant coffee with Folger's Crystals, but that's not important right now. The reason for the cell phone detonators is so we can punish those who abuse the technology. Technology abuse is a high crime outside of Earth.

Be assured we are fair in our administration of justice. We do not make them explode in moving cars as it can and likely will cause an accident. Our advanced technology advises us when they have reached a stop. The reasons we will blow your cell phone up include, but are not limited to, talking while driving, talking in a restaurant and holding a phone up during a concert. We wish to include having a camera phone as a reason, but have thus far been thwarted in our efforts to plant explosives in them.

As far as the po'ouli bird, they could be hit by cell phone shrapnel and it could be potentially fatal to them. We've been working with the WWF (World Wildlife Fund, not the wrestling federation) to get cell phones banned in Hawaii because of this potential hazard. I mean, what the hell do you need a cell phone for in Hawaii?

Rhaab: What Myk failed to mention is the staggering increase in cell phone explosions that have nothing to do with us at all. If you own a phone that we haven't tampered with, you can sleep quietly knowing that only the cheap models will explode with no warning. The really good ones will beep, buzz, flash their lights, or maybe even give you some sort of verbal notice--THEN they'll explode.

How does this happen? Inferior human technology, plain and simple. Now, before any of you go waving around your tiny little cell phones and claiming that they're hot stuff because they're smaller than Captain Kirk's communicator from "Star Trek", keep in mind that those babies allowed you to talk to each other on opposite sides of an undeveloped planet. No phone lines, no satellites, no cell towers, nothin'--and it wouild get a signal to orbit with no boosting. So much for your "Can you hear me now?" garbage.

The impact on the bird mentioned above, or indeed, any bird, depends on whether it's in the blast radius, which depends on the brand name of the phone. I'd give you the figures, but I've misplaced the reference.

Recently, Rhaab was sent what we can only assume was some sort of solicitation for business. It had no subject line, just a name, a company name, and phone and fax numbers. This wasn't really a question, but we think it's vital that we stay in touch with the public, and that we answer everything that comes our way. Rhaab has already replied directly to the message, but we present the full text of the exchange for your edification and to satisfy your burning curiosity as best we can with over-the-counter remedies. (And when we say "full text", we're leaving out the phone numbers and the last name. We're giving them enough free advertising as it is with the company name.)

Kathy: Kathy T...
Loancity
Denver office
Phone 303-###-####
Fax 303-###-####

Rhaab: Thank you for your interest in the business of the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets. Please be advised that at this time, we have no interest in acquiring any city, town, village, or other municipality, especially if said city is simply to be loaned to us. Any future plans we have for cities will be for the long term, certainly outside the duration of any loan you may be able to arrange. Additionally, our plans are on a broader scale; namely, that of global dominance. Again, even if you are able to work at this level, we don't want to merely have someone loan the world to us. We intend to conquer it. Once more, thanks for your interest, but don't call us, we'll call you.

Upon further reflection, Rhaab is considering making arrangements to borrow the city of Amsterdam for the weekend, but it's best if you don't ask why.

Evelyn: I have a Jacuzzi MasterMind Tracker and a wheel has come off. Should I replace the tracker - or wheel?

PCfDP: Your human technology is way behind. Our tools are smaller and have fewer replaceable parts. We recommend replacing your Tracker. Perhaps with a Centaurian Leech.

Evelyn: Where will I find it? I have searched the Web with no luck.

PCfDP: We have heard of a little dealer on Zebcor 7 that might have just the item that you're looking for-or at least a reasonable substitute. However, he is rather disreputable, and it may cost you more than money. We hear he has a fetish for frilly underthings.

Evelyn: Is it a worthwhile product?

PCfDP: Given the state of Earth technology, the Jacuzzi seems up to most tasks, but we feel you would be happier with the Centaurian Leech in the long run. It is usually content with the scum sucked from pools, though if your pool is infrequently used, small animals may need to be fed to it so it can be kept alive. It also may be somewhat difficult to acquire here, but they can live for thousands of years. What other product will last that long, we ask you?

HotVirginian: You guys sure talk an awful lot about sex. How do we know it's okay for us to have sex with you?

Myk-El: Unlike wimpy Martians and other similarly pathetic alien races, we are not bothered by your viruses, bacteria and assorted germs. We remain disease-free and won't be taken down by some damn micro-organism! Wiped out by the common cold...the laughter you hear is the universe and it's pointing at you, Mars.

Rhaab: On the off chance you're talking about your own health instead of ours, let me reassure you that you don't have to worry about a thing. If safe sex is what you're into, I've got a vault made out of titanium steel with multiple locking systems, and I'm the only one with the all the keys, codes, and combinations. And yes, it does have its own oxygen supply. If that's too much for you, Sh'wn has a condominium that I'm sure he'd be happy to let any of us borrow. We know how important condos are to your sexual habits here on Earth.

The following has not been edited:

Michael Gomer (shakadenver1@hotmail.com) writes:

Subject: Post this on your site...pussies

Dear Lesbi-in of Earth�official pussy-licker to�..Shaw�n�nna�uhhh�

ATTENTION ASSHOLE CLEANERS OF ASSHOLES FAR AWAYYYYY:

How very clever of you to have a little� shtick� to go along with your local band judging element on a RENT-A-PAGE SITE such as Earthlink.

These items along with your COMPLETELY GAY Japanese animation picture demonstrate how absolutely homosexual you really are. Did your Mommys build that site for you?

If your opinion was really to be valued in any way, you wouldn�t hide behind you ABSOLUTELY gay Arabic stage names.

So, why don�t you faggots do it the real way and buy your own domain so you can post your little retarded secret local band opinions and people can give you FEEDBACK.

FUCKING PUSSIES!!!!!!!!

In response, Rhaab says:

Let's begin at the beginning, Michael, shall we? Based on your juvenile attempts at crafting insults, we estimate your mental age to be no more than 14 Earth years. If you're older than that, seek help. If you're younger than that, does your mother know about your potty mouth? I bet she doesn't.

To properly respond to you, I really need to pick this apart. So I'm going to quote fragments of your uneducated little diatribe as I go--never mind that it pains me to even copy/paste such inelegant, half-witted communication.

"How very clever of you to have a little shtick to go along with your local band judging element..." Actually, the "shtick", as you call it, came first. It was only after we had the website up that we decided we'd start posting reviews of whatever caught our attention. When we were kindly asked to join the writing staff of Higher Listening, we narrowed our focus somewhat to the local music scene. Please note, however, that we were the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets long before we were reviewers. Oh, and speaking of "how very clever", I was amused by the redunancy in "asshole cleaners of assholes far away". Did you come up with that all on your own, or did one of your buddies at school help you out?

"...on a RENT-A-PAGE SITE such as Earthlink." Now I'm confused. Isn't every website that's not owned by a corporation a rent-a-page site? Well, either that, or a give-it-away-for-free site. I'm sure there are a number of private individuals out there who think they own their own webspace, but they're mistaken. Anyway, Mikey, since you wrote to us from a Hotmail web account, you've got no room to talk.

"These items along with your COMPLETELY GAY Japanese animation picture demonstrate how absolutely homosexual you really are." For starters, you say that as if it were a bad thing. Well, okay, I'm sure the persecution sucks, and being used as a synonym for "undesirable" is pretty rotten, but actual homosexuality is no big deal. Having said that, though, I'd like to point out that we're all straight. I know a number of gay people, and they're just like you and me. (Well, not you--they tend to have better manners and more coherent thought processes.) And every single one of them assures me that I turn completely invisible when they switch their primary sensors from optical over to gaydar. Secondly, we've got a few anime pictures around the site, at least two of which feature scantily-clad female characters. Kinda runs counter to your hypothesis, doesn't it? On the other hand, if being completely gay means being completely unlike you, pass me my rainbow flag.

"Did your Mommys build that site for you?" Oh, please. Is that the best you've got? How sad.

"If your opinion was really to be valued in any way, you wouldn't hide behind you ABSOLUTELY gay Arabic stage names." Again, this issue with homosexuality. Y'know, studies have shown that the most vocally anti-gay, homophobic people out there are harboring those feelings themselves and are in severe denial. Again, I would advise you to seek help. You're clearly dealing with some conflicted feelings, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself once you can admit who you truly are deep down inside. Never let it be said that the Pool Cleaners don't care.

I can only wonder where you got the notion that our names aren't real, or that they're Arabic. They happen to belong to the various alien cultures from which we originated. For example, Myk is Kryptonian. It's very simple: Jor-El, Kal-El, Myk-El. See? The way you put it, though, seems to imply that along with it being bad to be gay, there's something wrong with being Arabic. Sure, you can point fingers at terrorists and the like, but you're ample proof that no ethnic group is without a sizeable population of nutbars (whatever group happens to be unfortunate enough to have you as a member). And even if these aren't our real names, so what? Did you send an angry letter to Robert Zimmerman telling him to stop recording under the name Bob Dylan? Did you phone up Richard Starkey and demand he stop pretending to be Ringo Starr? Did Gordon Sumner get an e-mail full of profanity saying there's no such person as Sting? No? Then shut up.

Oh, and if our opinions are valueless, why did they get you so worked up?

"So, why don't you faggots..." That's four references to homosexuality, each time with an implied negative connotation. Seriously, get some help. Self-hate like this is painful to watch, and it's clear that you're so far in the closet, you're in Narnia. It's okay to be gay. Really.

"...do it the real way and buy your own domain..." Pardon? What does that have to do with expressing our opinions? Suddenly we'd become more valid if we threw down the money to register a name? Not sure I understand where you're coming from, here.

"...so you can post your little retarded secret local band opinions..." I won't even touch your use of "retarded" as an insult. That's horribly immature and insensitive. If, however, we absoultely must dip into that well, it can be done with more creativity and style. For instance, if I chose to draw such a parallel--and there's nothing in your message that suggests I shouldn't--then I might call you Charlie's "before" picture in Flowers for Algernon. I won't apologize for making a literary reference; the people at the library will be happy to help you.

What makes you think our opinions are secret? After all, here they are, up on a website for everyone to read. We've also made some small effort to spread the word about our website--you found it, didn't you? Also, bands as diverse as On Second Thought, the Indulgers, the Railbenders, and Plastic Parachute have been kind enough to link to our site from their websites. How in the hell does that make our opinions secret? The real secret is what band you're with, or friends with, or related to, and exactly what it was we said that compelled you to put this flaming bag of dog crap on our electronic doorstep. How about telling your secrets, hmmm?

"...and people can give you FEEDBACK." I'm curious; what was it you thought you were doing when you were writing this? Admittedly, it's shoddy feedback at best, as it doesn't say why you hate us, or what we said that you thought was wrong, or what we did that you think we should change. No, it's just a collection of playground profanity with no real content whatsoever. Which isn't to say that we don't welcome it, as this little exchange is bound to amuse anyone who reads it, provided they have at least average intelligence. An actual opinion, however--as opposed to speculation on our sexual orientations and other matters of minimal consequence--would be even more welcome. If I may quote the non-local band Toad the Wet Sprocket, "You can bend my ear / We will talk all day / Just make sure I'm around / When you've finally got something to say".

"FUCKING PUSSIES!" Since you've crossed that crude line, I feel I should mention that I enjoy said activity a great deal. I don't bring this up for its own sake, but to suggest that, if you're given the opportunity, you engage in this activity yourself. You may find it relaxes you. Or, given the hints you've dropped about yourself, you may wish to apply that verb to a different object, and that's okay, too. Or you could be the object of the verb while someone else is the subject, it really doesn't matter. All I'm saying is that whatever flavor you choose, you seriously need to get laid.

NotASwimFan: There are a lot of people out there who can't afford pools, and even some who just don't want them, whether they can afford them or not. Are you just going to ignore those people?

Rhaab: Not at all! While we're best known for our pool cleaning service, it's far from being the only form of service we offer to lonely Earth women. (You are a lonely Earth woman, right?) We can do yardwork, install cable, do minor home repairs and renovations, pretend to teach you tennis--whatever the cliches of pornography require. We'll even install microwave ovens . . . custom kitchen delivery. We'll even move your refrigerator; we'll even move your color TV.

trkygeek: Who's the better commander, Kirk or Picard?

Sh'wn: Well, now that depends upon how they're served doesn't it? I mean Kirk is excellent when stewed in a white wine sauce. On the other hand, Jean Luc Picard lightly sautee'd with a honey glaze and a side of tribbles is really hard to beat.

Kinkyitch69: Where's the strangest place you've made love?

Myk-El: Well, this is kind of embarrassing...I was on the way home from a party and my date was feeling a little frisky. I'm driving, she undoes my jumpsuit, right, and...well she does this thing with her antenna....Next think I know, I'm getting pulled over...I'm going 75 times C in a 65 times C zone and she doesn't stop! I'm sweating blaster charges here 'cause I know her dad's a cop. Well, turns out it's a different cop (Thank Zod!). What I didn't know is that my date can do this chameleon thing. So she makes herself essentially invisible while concealing my little Kryptonian and keeps up what she's doing. I try and keep a straight face while we go through the license and registration thing...let's just say I got off with a warning.

Rhaab: [laughs, winks, makes a few indecipherable gestures] Woo-hoo! [snorts, laughs some more, walks off]

Sh'wn: In a woman.

BumpyHeaded1: tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'?

Rhaab: No. Get lost.

baby2004: What's your New Year's Resolutions for 2004?

Myk-El: I, Myk-El of Krypton, resolve to ask permission before looking through women's clothing.

I also resolve to give the opening act two whole songs before deciding that they suck.

Rhaab: What new year? By my calculations, we're still in the middle of the month of Geldof.

Jeph: I hereby resolve not to complain when someone's technical assistance is smarter than they are.

Sh'wn: I, Sh'wn (also known as Pool Cleaner Grey) resolve to teach six humans that Rap and Pop are not styles of music. One is what is done to presents, and the other is a carbonated, fizzy drink designed to rot one's teeth, tusks, mandibles, etc.

poolpixie69: How often should I have my pipes cleaned; and do you offer group discounts?

Myk-El:Usually, we recommend getting your pipes cleaned at least weekly, though it might be needed more often in times of heavy use. Between visits from the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets, we suggest you conduct personal inspections of your pipes to ensure proper function. We are happy to instruct clients on ways to inspect your pipes and we are willing to observe you during a self inspection to ensure you are using effective techniques.

Disco Stu: Is that song "I Will Survive" about any of you?

Rhaab: You mean that line, "And now you're back from outer space"? Yeah, that's about somebody, but it wouldn't be polite for me to say who it is. The rest of the song is about not just that incident, but one or two of Gloria Gaynor's other relationships as well--all except for the title (and key phrase) "I will survive." That part refers to her harrowing experience following a plane crash in the Andes mountains. Apparently cannibalism was involved. It's no wonder she doesn't like to talk about it.

Sh'wn: Hmm, maybe that line was about her harrowing alien abduction? Alright, fess up, who made with the anal probe? Seriously, My only knowledge of that song is the penchant for Replacement football players to sing and dance to it while incarerated in the drunk tank at the local police department.

Myk-El: There are two reasons the song has been associated with the Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets. The first, and main reason is described by Rhaab. The second reason is something that appeared on the internet in 1999. Even Gloria Gaynor herself has this disturbing footage on her website. I was first made aware of this footage through someone who thought it was a joke. How can this tragic disco accident be funny? Most of you probably don't even realize how few Upjnios there are left in the galaxy after that tragic war. Plus you've had your own tragedies. Who can forget New York's deadliest club fire? We should never forget the 117 party people that burned, baby, burned to death in 1978 in a South Bronx disco inferno.

GrrrlPwr: What makes you think you have what it takes to satisfy Earth women?

Rhaab: Extensive studies, that's what. After all, we've seen your pornography. More than that, though, we've also done quite a bit of reading since we got to your world--and practicing whenever opportunities present themselves. We know the importance of foreplay, for example, and our studies suggest that nine hours should be sufficient for any human female.

Sh'wn: Well, To quote the Earthling musicians known as the Rednex, "I will hit you with my 20 inch until you cannot stand." Besides, you know what they say, "Once you've had inhuman monster, you never go back."

Keepin_It_Reel: What's the deal with all the Irish music sites on your links page? You guys are from space, right?

Rhaab: For starters, the music is cool. The thing you need to realize, though, is that even though we're all from space, that doesn't mean we're immune to the power of this music. There is evidence that an ancient space-going race took some of the early Celts and Picts and transplanted them to other planets, where they interbred with the native populations. (This ancient race is known to modern people by various names, such as the Preservers, the Collectors, the Interferers, and Those Bastards.)

Not convinced? A study was done a few years ago. Folks from various races across the galaxy were gathered in a room and given alcoholic drinks (or the equivalent for their metabolisms). Then Irish music (from intercepted Earth broadcasts, of course) was played in the room. A small sample of the test subjects began crying and drinking more heavily. Some of them reported homesickness for some place they had never been. So knock back some tan and black wi' the rest of us, laddy.

Zscaieynn: That answer just makes me want to go out to the pub and order a pint.

MULDER_RULES: What's the truth about that "Roswell" thing back in the fifties?

Sh'wn: Oh, right, and you Earthers never get toasted and run into light poles? Give us a break, that planet just leapt out of nowhere. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it. By the way, Zscaieynn, is your dad still mad that we borrowed his cruiser?

Zscaieynn: Nope, not that I'm aware of. I also want to point out that we did it first--along with crop circles--and now every-being wants to get into the act. (As if insurance rates weren't high enough across the galaxy.)

Billions&Billions: Are you guys the kinds of aliens that bring messages of peace and love to humanity?

Rhaab: Absolutely NOT! We've done our homework, and we know all about the horrible things that happen to anyone on this planet who has a message of peace and love. The best you'll get from us is a message of lust.

ManlyMan069: "Why are you so eager to have sex with Earth women anyway? Don't you have females where you come from?"

Myk-El: We HAD females where I come from, but the planet went "boom." I was picked up on Rylos. Have you seen Rylos women? Balding and some with comb overs? No thank you.

Rhaab: I'm from Z'ha'dum. While I think there *might* be females like me where I come from, I didn't have the keys to the storage lockers. And if any of the Shadows are female, I don't want to know.

Jeph: I'm from another galaxy. And you humans complain about YOUR long distance relationships?

Sh'wn: Well duh, any sentient being who's seen Earth's historical records KNOWS that Earth Girls Are Easy! (Thanks, Geena Davis!)

Zscaieynn: Boy, are you slow, or what? I'm here, not there. Go ahead and read that last sentence a second time. And anyway, I get my lovin' on the run.

The Pool Cleaners from Distant Planets are not interested in selling you something, or having anyone else try to sell you something. Your e-mail address will not be given to anyone or anything, but it may be mocked if you've chosen a goofy net-name. If you get any spam, it's not because of us. If we EVER give, sell, or rent your personal information to anyone else, you have our solemn promise that you can dip us all in hydrochloric acid to the music of Paul Revere and the Raiders.